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Women betraying Women

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In a perfect world women would stand by each other. A mother would protect her child no matter what. A mother would believe her daughter if she had the courage to come forward and say she was abused. But sometimes she doesn’t. Maybe she was abused herself and can not deal with her own old trauma. Maybe she has no money and can’t pay the bills. Maybe she is so downtrodden herself in her relationship that she has lost her voice and with it, her courage. The courage to do the right thing. It seems so simple, especially in the eyes of a child or adolescent who doesn’t yet know what selling out is or giving up.
And the message is, this other person for whatever reason is much more important than you. Don’t expect me to do anything about it. Maybe the girl is even blamed for what happened. But often, nothing is said because there is a knowing deep down. A knowing that nothing will change and it will just be more horrible than it already is. And the soul begins to die a little. But it is a way to salvage something. Something in one’s self. Maybe the force isn’t the same but something remains that is good and true. And this person knows that she will Never do this to her daughter. That is the promise. And that is where the cycle of abuse stops and the healing begins.

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Never good enough

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You are too hot… too cold…too friendly, not friendly enough, too confident, too awkward. You worry about not being thin enough, your breasts are too big and that attracts much unwanted attention. You are too ambitious, too dependent, you talk too much, you never say anything. You want sex all the time, you are frigid, you attract too much attention, you never want to go out. Why do women feel so inadequate? I remember only starting to have troubles getting along with others when I finally decided that I truly liked and respected myself. When I say troubles I don’t mean that I had arguments. What I mean is that suddenly other people seemed confused about who I was. I became confident and assertive and in my power as a healthy sexual being. Men were intimidated by me. Some women didn’t want me around because they couldn’t trust their boyfriends/husbands fidelity. This made me feel sad and alone but even more determined to continue on this journey of being O.K. If we have good intentions and gratitude for all the gifts life has given us, we can be free. The objectification of women does a lot of harm but it is up to us to not buy in. It sounds so silly to say, “just be a person”. But just be the person you are and know that is enough. If someone feels the need to belittle you or pressure you to be something else.. just say to yourself, “disengage”. It works miracles.

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Breaking free

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It’s easy to be popular when you always say “yes”.  There were times when I realized the week was over before it had even started. I was on a roll with saying yes to everyone and all those favors ate up my free time.  But when I was in trouble, who was there to help me? It was a combination of not owning my own life and also finding meaning in serving others. Then, about twenty years ago I knew I had to get grounded. I actually had moved many times to new places because unconsciously it was the only way I could find my own time and space. I was walking my dog in the park in Vancouver, when it dawned on me that every time I moved… I took my problem with me, and the problem was ME !

I had just read this book FLOW by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, which was excellent. He talks about happiness and creating optimal experiences. It struck me this idea about making happiness the priority, and thus the goal.  I decided that every day I was going to check in and ask myself what would make me happy.  It started off with little things,  like sleeping in, or a morning walk somewhere special or only spending time with people I really liked and respected.  It sounds weird but I had to remind myself every day that no one owned me.

It has taken many years but somehow now, finally, I am at peace. Not because I got everything I wanted or because it all worked out. I am at peace with taking responsibility for my life and everything that that entails. I don’t have to be attached to any roles or expectations of others or what I created in my head.  I do not need to fulfill gender expectations either.  Peace of mind, happiness and freedom, are my true goals.  And my nomadic spirit both a joy and a blight all these years could possibly soar to the next level.

Love and Light

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SAVE ME !!!!

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There have been times in my life when I had a secret fantasy that someone would save me.  A  handsome stranger would just come along, sweep me off my feet and we would live happily- ever -after.  It was so fucked up!  I don’t even know exactly where this came from.

Despite getting a University education and having a Mother who never talked about getting married and having children,  I obviously was lacking something. It was a desperate and yet romantic notion. And the worst of this is that it is not that far off from our notions of heterosexual romantic love.

How much of this is female dis-empowerment? How much of this is financial dependency? How much of this is these two things linked together. When will these Prince Charming stereotypes be annihilated?

Women need to not feel limited or unworthy or inadequate.  Doris Lessing wrote about this in her book THE MARRIAGES OF  ZONES THREE FOUR AND FIVE.  She uses archetypes of Patriarchal and Matriarchal societies to make her point.  It is a very good read.

I don’t have these fantasies anymore.

Mostly I just try to believe in Myself and Others and in Love and Kindness.

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The Words that can not be spoken

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Many women choose not to go to counselling even though they are suffering emotionally from traumatic events.  The words can not be spoken.  It hurts too much to say them. Even years and years later, it still hurts too much.

In most of the sessions I do the women don’t share specifically what happened. I don’t need to know.  I feel the emotions and clear them. What happens shortly thereafter is a shift in energy for the women who have been suffering. Often they feel tired right after the session but then the next day much lighter and happier. They feel the shift in their lives and this affects everything.   It can help with addictions and other self -harming behaviours.  It can help with depression, grief and anger.  It helps with formulating healthier relationships.

The emotion code is a way to bypass unnecessary additional suffering. No one needs to re-live horrible memories by speaking the words that can not be spoken.